'Life Among Lutherans' a home run for Keillor

Hopefully, you're through with Christmas shopping by now, but if not, consider this 183-page book by Minnesota-born humorist Garrison Keillor as a gift for a friend or for yourself.

Edited by Holly Harden, the book is a collection of some of Keillor's radio monologues from his popular "Prairie Home Companion" radio show that premiered in 1974.

As the title indicates, each of the 28 chapters involves the Lutherans, a large denomination in rural, Scandinavian-settled Minnesota.

The book is published by Augsburg Books, a division of Augsburg Fortress, the printing arm of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA), so Keillor's stories are to be taken tongue-in-cheek: you only pick on people you like.

Keillor hits theology with only marshmallow blows; his focus is the people of rural Minnesota, their relation to the land, climate and the small- town interaction between them.

It turns out, of course, that underneath all, these Minnesotans are much like the Baptists, Methodists, Scotch-Irish Presbyterians and others we have around us here in piedmont North Carolina.

Most of the stories begin with Keillor's signature intro, "It's been a quiet week in Lake Wobegone."

Lake Wobegone is Keillor's fictional home town, a place much like our Troutman or Harmony, a "little town that time forgot and the decades cannot improve...where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average."

Regular listeners know the town like it was their own: The Sidetrack Tap, where the Norwegian bachelor farmers enjoy a tall, cold Wendys or two; Ralph's Pretty Good Grocery ("If you can't find it at Ralph's, you can probably get along without it"); Krepsbach Chevrolet; Bunsen Motors; the Statue of the Unknown Norwegian; Lake Wobegone Lutheran Church; and the Catholic church down the street, Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility.

Church socials in Lake Wobegone invariably bring out local versions of haute cuisine: gelatin salads and hot dish (casseroles).

One of my favorite stories is "A Young Lutheran's Guide to the Orchestra."

Keillor goes through the instruments, dismissing each for one reason or another.

"Let's be clear on one thing about the brass section," he writes, "there are times when the rest of the orchestra wishes the brass were playing in another room, and not necessarily in the same building."

How about the ethereal sound of the flute, you ask?

"But the flute is too spiritual for a Lutheran," says Keillor. "You start playing one, and the next thing you know, you're wearing a caftan and sitting in a grove of redwoods playing at a healing ceremony conducted by someone named Starflower Moonbright at which people are whanging on drums and affirming each other's personhood and hugging. And Lutherans do not hug. Only for for the holidays, only with relatives, and only sideways."

He goes on to suggest that the only instruments suitable for young Lutherans are the harp and percussion.

"Pages and pages of music go by while the percussionist sits and waits, silently counting the bars like a hunter in the blind waiting for the snipe to appear.

"A percussionist may have to wait for twenty minutes just to play a few beats, but those beats have to be exact, and they have to be passionate and climactic. All that the epistles of Paul say a Christian should be--faithful, waiting, trusting, filled with fervor, hopeful--are the qualities of a good percussionist.

"The other Lutheran instrument, of course, is the harp. It's made for a very nice person with strong forearms. You almost never see a harpist with a cigarette dangling out of her mouth. Having a harp is like living with an elderly parent in very poor health; it's hard to get them in and out of cars and hard to keep them happy. It takes hours to tune a harp, which remains in tune for about ten minutes or until somebody opens a door and lets in the cold air. It's an instrument for a saint."

Do yourself a favor and find a copy or hint vigorously for someone to give you a copy of this book. You'll find people you already know between the covers of this well-written, funny volume.

"Life Among the Lutherans" is available through local book stores and on-line through the publisher.