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Understanding the 'marriage triangle'
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Published: September 24, 2009
If you draw a triangle on a piece of paper and on the top point of the triangle write "wedlock" and on the left side write "love" and on the right side write "sex," you have the marriage triangle. Wedlock is the legal side of marriage. Love is the personal component and sex is the physical facet.
Each point of the triangle can represent the entrance to a relationship. Historically, and even today in many cultures, couples enter into a relationship through the legal door. In arranged marriages, parents match up a couple and provide a wedding date. Sex follows the wedding date, the public and legal door, and if you are lucky, love (the personal) might follow.
The second entrance into a relationship is "falling in love." It has always interested me that we use the beyond-our-control image of falling to describe growing to love one another. There is an aspect of love that feels like "free falling." If you are married, remember the days of walking on air, the manic high of love, infatuation and magnetic attraction — it did feel beyond your control. Getting into a relationship through the love door replaced the arranged marriage in many cultures. Movies, novels and modern-day plays highlight this personal door as the entrance into sex and marriage.
The third door into a relationship in today's society is the physical door. Shortly after the first date, some couples move into casual sex as a mutual pleasuring activity or they move in together as a "trial period" to see if they can generate enough love through sex to move them toward the altar and legalization of their relationship. If the love doesn't bloom, they separate and go out seeking another partner. Serial live-ins are not uncommon as individuals seek love through sex.
When was the last time you saw a movie or TV show where a young couple was struggling over whether to wait until they were married before being sexual with each other? Casual sex and co-habitation appear to be the norm.
I'm not sure anyone is asking or teaching the upcoming generations of couples, "Is there a better way?" "What can we learn from all three entrance ways into a relationship?" "Is there a way to combine all of them under one umbrella?" These and other questions will be addressed in Part II of this article next week.
Dr. Bill Mitcham is the Director of the Marriage Maintenance Center in Davidson. He can be reached at 704-408-4178.
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