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The conversations all families need to have about 'strangers'
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Published: September 24, 2009
Recently, a Court TV video showed a staged interaction where an actor, portraying an abductor, asked children playing at a park to help him find his lost puppy. To the astonishment of the parents watching the video, the children eagerly helped the stranger. Some even left the park with him.
Clearly, parents need to go beyond the blanket advice of "Don't talk to strangers." What are some specific guidelines that can keep kids safe?
Start when they're young
Karen Tucker, school counselor at Lake Norman Elementary in Mooresville, begins the stranger danger conversations with kindergartners through class presentations using books, videos and conversation.
"I think that children need to know the information due to our unsafe world," she said. "Most of the kids I talk to are very open and not afraid to talk about the subject."
Parents should also have talks with children as young as age 3. Caryn Shelton, preschool director at Williamson Chapel in Mooresville says parents can have basic conversations with preschoolers.
"Kids in elementary school are more emotionally mature than preschoolers when it comes to understanding situations," she said. "Parents should teach their preschoolers the basics: What is a stranger?"
Define "stranger"
A stranger is someone the child doesn't know. Even people who know their name or claim to know their parents are strangers if the child doesn't know them.
Children divide their world into good guys and bad guys — Darth Vader vs. Luke Skywalker and cops vs. robbers. It's important that children realize they can't tell the difference between good strangers and bad strangers just by looking at them. A bad stranger is not always a man. A bad stranger is not always mean, and, in fact, usually acts nice to gain the child's trust.
However, give kids options for situations where they're lost. Instruct them to find a person wearing a badge or uniform (a police officer or store clerk, for example).
Teach children to avoid unsafe situations
Children who don't wander off by themselves don't get lost. Also, encourage kids to play with others: Children are usually abducted when they're alone.
Kids may understand they should never accept a ride with strangers. But they also must know never to go near a car with a stranger for any reason.
It's important for a child's caregiver to know his or her whereabouts at all times. For example, if your daughter plans a playdate at a friend's house, she must first ask your permission if the plans change to another location.
Emphasize that kids do not help adults
A grownup should never ask a child's help for any reason. "If an adult asks a child for help, instruct the child to find another adult," advises Tucker.
Grant your child permission to be impolite.
Parents stress the importance of politeness and respecting adults. Let your child know refusing to help an adult is not being impolite. It's okay to avoid strangers' questions especially about themselves. If a stranger approaches them in a public setting, screaming and running away is the right thing to do.
Talk about private parts
Establish a circle of people who are allowed to touch or ask questions about a child's private parts. It often includes a caregiver, a doctor (in a doctor's office with a caregiver present) and themselves. If anyone else outside the circle breaks this rule, ask children to tell a caregiver immediately.
Let your child trust their instincts. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Tucker talks about kids having funny feelings in their stomachs when they feel uncomfortable or the situation doesn't seem right. If a grownup is making them feel this way, they should tell a trusted person as soon as possible.
Give them tools to be safe
By the time kids are in preschool, they should know first and last names for themselves and their parents, as well as their home phone number. These items are critical should they get lost in a public place. Conversely, do not write such information on a backpack, suitcase or other item where it might be visible to strangers. Too often a child forgets the definition of a stranger if the person calls out their name.
Establish a code system with your child. Shelton recalls the code she and her mom created when she was 4.
"My mom told me if a stranger asked me to go with him I should ask him my mom's maiden name," she said. "Back then, anyone who knew that information was a family friend and not a stranger."
Continue the conversation
Stranger danger conversations are not one-time occurrences. Messages change as children grow older. Parents and children should have proactive conversations about strangers. Do role-playing. Ask "what if" questions. Listen to your kids' questions. Reiterate that their world, full of schools, neighborhoods, parks, playgrounds, is a fun place to explore. Following stranger danger rules will allow them to do so safely.
Children's Books About Strangers
Don't Talk to Strangers, Pooh! by Kathryn Weidner Zoehfeld (ages 0-3 years)
Never Talk to Strangers by Irma Joyce (3-6 years)
The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers by Jan and Mike Berenstain (5-8 years)
Who is a stranger and what should I do? by Linda Walvoord Girard (ages 7-11 years)
Staying Safe by Saying No by Cynthia MacCregor (8-11 years)
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