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Breaking away from pack can bring unique joy
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Published: September 20, 2009
On an evening last fall, I was driving to Pinehurst to deliver a speech, and since I'd be arriving at the hotel late that night, I decided to stop for supper.
In the small town of Denton, I saw a big seafood restaurant, and it was totally packed, especially for a Tuesday night. I thought "This place must be really great to be so busy on a weeknight at 7:30!"
Pulling in, I walked in the door anticipating the meal of my life.
In the restaurant area, there was no one eating. Turns out, the crowd was with a political rally in the back room. I was a victim of "Social Proof," one of the key principles of persuasion.
Follow the pack
It is human nature to think if the majority of people are doing it, it must be the right thing to do. When we look to the actions of others to decide how to behave, this is the Law of Social Proof.
Psychologist Stanley Milgram once did a study on a busy sidewalk in New York City. He started with an assistant standing in the middle of the sidewalk staring up at the sky.
About one in every 25 passers-by stopped to look up, too.
Next, Milgram had five volunteers in cahoots with him to do the same thing. This time, one in five people stopped to look.
Finally, Dr. Milgram assembled 18 volunteers to stand near each other on the sidewalk and stare up at the sky. Now, one in two passers-by looked up as well.
Even people driving by joined the pedestrians looking at the sky, and traffic came to a halt.
We're like sheep
There's more conformity in America today than ever before. We pride ourselves on being unique, but truly independent thinkers and doers are few and far between.
At age 12, one of my sons had a very brief spell of wearing his pants a foot too long and his cap backward.
When I asked him why, he said because all his buddies did, and he didn't want to look stupid. Righhhhht.
Be unique
Conformity will slowly and quietly choke the life out of you. Each day is a carbon copy of the last, with no challenges or exceptional accomplishments. You become boring.
My challenge to you is to redefine life on your terms. Here's my example:
I've always refused to do anything for Valentine's Day. Before you label me as unromantic, or the florists band together to burn a dried arrangement in my front yard, let me explain.
When I first got married, I cut a deal with my wife. On Feb. 14, no flowers, candy or meals out.
Instead, I would create our own valentine holiday, not once, but multiple times during the year, and each time she would be surprised and know I cared.
Do it for you, not for Hallmark.
Where do you start?
First of all, think back over the past year. What things did you do that you really didn't want to?
Did you agree to go to a party you hated? Were you stressed to death at Christmas?
Identify those things that you are doing that go against your grain, those things you are "supposed" to do, or because "they say you should."
One by one, say no or politely decline.
American writer Rita Mae Brown once observed, "The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself."
Be unique, and have a richer life!
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