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Scott Hollifield: Stay in school -- they've got tater tots
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Published: September 10, 2009
Note: Inspired by President Barack Obama's recent speech to the nation's school children, columnist Scott Hollifield decided to give his own back-to-school address. So far, no schools have accepted his offer and all media outlets have ignored him, but that did not stop him from releasing this transcript of his prepared remarks in an effort to stave off criticism and outrage that has not yet materialized.
Scott: Hello, everybody. I am here with students at (fill in the blank) school in the beautiful town of (fill in the blank) and broadcasting live to students across (fill in the nation) via the medium of (fill in the medium, though it appears at this point it will be ham radio).
Many of you watched and listened to President Obama's speech. Others didn't because some schools chose not to show the leader of the free world deliver a message to children, opting instead to allow students to continue studying for standardized tests or in some cases learning how dinosaurs roamed the Earth almost 3,000 years ago. Still others were kept home by their parents and fitted with tinfoil helmets to keep out subliminal socialist mind-control signals simultaneously beamed down from secret satellites far above our beautiful, flat Earth, or so I read on the Internet.
I am here today to reiterate what President Obama said: Work hard, pay attention and stay in school. Thank you for listening, God bless you and God bless America. Which way is the cafeteria? I heard it's tater tot day.
What? ... Oh, geez. Your teacher says I have a little more time to fill, so I'll tell you a sad and frightening story of someone who didn't work hard, didn't pay attention and didn't stay in school.
It's about a little boy who spent his time carving his name into a desk with safety scissors while other children were learning their ABCs, which explains why he initially believed his name was spelled with squiggly lines and a tic-tac-toe grid.
While other children were learning to read "See Dick and Jane run," he was running around the playground smashing Dick and Jane with a metal lunchbox, which triggered Dick's asthma and led to a civil suit against the school system by Jane's father, a noted personal-injury attorney.
When the teacher called on him for an answer, he replied with a string of expletives that would make a piano player in a Saigon bordello blush.
Finally, this young man dropped out of school and engaged in a series of petty crimes, first vandalizing Tom Petty's tour bus and then stealing Richard Petty's sunglasses.
It was a life going nowhere but wrong, all because he didn't work hard, didn't pay attention and didn't stay in school.
And that young man's name was ... Bill Gates.
Not Bill Gates the billionaire philanthropist, of course, but Bill "Shotgun Willie" Gates, the career criminal currently serving a 22-year prison sentence for a botched liquor store robbery. The name thing is a strange coincidence, though, isn't it kids? It's almost as if I made it up to kill time until the tater tots were ready.
Students of (fill in the blank) school and all of you across (fill in the nation), remember this: Work hard, pay attention and stay in school. Don't carve your name into a desk with safety scissors while others are learning their ABCs. Don't beat fellow classmates with metal lunchboxes, especially those with asthma or litigious parents. Don't cuss like a sailor unless you actually become a sailor. Don't commit crimes against any of the Pettys. Don't try to rob a liquor store when the clerk has a Remington Model 870 pump-action shotgun behind the counter.
Now where are my tater tots?
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