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'Domestic violence does not discriminate'
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Published: September 10, 2009
Many people think of domestic violence as something that happens to someone else, somewhere else. But the reality is, one in four women will be a victim of domestic violence during their lifetime.
"It's a challenge (locally), because there's a deep tendency to say, this doesn't happen in my neighborhood," said Kathryn Firmin-Sellers, United Family Services director for Mooresville and Lake Norman.
"It's everyone's issue — domestic violence does not discriminate by race, class or zip code."
United Family Services' motto is "Providing hope and solutions for people in crisis," and they are dedicated to raising awareness of their services throughout the community so people will know where to turn.
"We want to bring awareness and get the issue out of the shadows," said Kelly Forney, director of victim services.
One of the major misconceptions Forney said the public has is that domestic violence only occurs in poor urban or rural areas.
"It's so important to get rid of that image, that only people in the hood or trailer parks are the ones getting abused," she said. "It's completely incorrect. Domestic violence is not discriminating and it is in this area. I see it every day."
Another myth that Forney often hears from others is "at least they're not really hurt."
"I heard that statement over and over in the Chris Brown/Rhianna case," she said. "Just because the physical abuse might not be that bad, it doesn't mean the emotional scars aren't long-lasting."
Many people brush off the problem, saying women should "just leave" when there is a situation of abuse or violence.
"Leaving is something that is not taken lightly — if it's serious, you might have to leave your job or find a new home. A safety plan has to be put in place and it's even harder to leave right now with the recession because a lot of the affordable homes and jobs are gone," she said. "Many women also have problems leaving their life and everything they've built for a shelter."
Emotional abuse starts very subtly, Forney explained, and often women come to her saying they have no idea how they got from where they were to where they are now.
"It happens in little minute steps, not all at once," she said. "If someone went out on their first date and someone told them they have to stop seeing their friends and family, dress a certain way and act a certain way, no one would see that person again, period. It's an escalation over time."
"In the roof part is physical, sexual and emotional abuse, but if it was just the roof with no walls, it would collapse and the situation would be done, but it doesn't work that way," she said. "The walls are filled with things that make women stay, like coercion threats, intimidation, male privilege (or making it seem like the man can be the only one to make the 'big' decisions), using the kids by threatening to take them away or making the woman feel guilty or telling her he'll hurt them."
Typical stages of abuse are tension, in which the person being abused tiptoes around, trying to not upset the abuser and walks on eggshells; violence in the form of physical, emotional and mental abuse; and then the "honeymoon" phase, when the abuser brings flowers, makes promises about never doing it again and says he'll go to counseling.
"Some of the characteristics of a batterer are jealousy issues, getting involved very quickly and moving fast in the relationship, isolation, blaming others for their problems and never taking responsibility, cruelty to animals and children, verbal abuse and having a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality," Forney said.
So, how can someone help a friend or relative who is being abused?
"Be supportive, believe their story, offer resources and help them develop a safety plan," Forney said. "The most important thing is to believe the person and ask how to help. You also need to set limits and boundaries for yourself. It takes an average of about seven times for the person being abused to leave. It's your responsibility to reach out, but not get them out of the situation until they decide they are ready to leave. You can't make it happen, so just try to plant the right seeds."
Forney also said to be an advocate, remember that silence is acceptance in domestic violence cases and to get involved by educating the community around you.
"Treat people around you with respect and model that for your children," she said. "Sit down with them and talk about what is appropriate and what isn't. Be a role model and wear a purple ribbon for our cause."
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