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Scott Hollifield: Top 10 reasons not to steal a newspaper rack
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Published: October 15, 2009
After someone stole one of our newspaper racks and left its dented carcass behind a grocery store, I compiled a list of the top 10 reasons not to steal a newspaper rack and leave its dented carcass behind a grocery store in an effort to discourage future crimes of this nature.
10. The editor will have to retrieve the stolen newspaper rack and will inevitably injure his back doing so.
With the downturn in the industry, newspapers across the country have been forced to eliminate entire departments, such as the Retrieving Stolen Racks from Behind Grocery Stores Department. In my case, that duty, along with fixing the broken commode handle in the women's restroom, fell to me.
Newspaper racks are heavy, I have learned since assuming my new duty. I injured my back lifting it onto the truck, which put me in a very bad mood. So bad, in fact that once the perpetrator is caught, I will push for the maximum penalty allowed by law. If I interpret the statute correctly, it is a public flogging.
9. You, if you are the perpetrator of a newspaper rack theft, will be caught. We sent our rack down to the boys in the lab. They took fingerprints, micro fibers, DNA - the works - and are currently cross referencing what they found with information contained in databases of both suspected terrorists and known newspaper rack thieves.
It's only a matter of time. Turn yourself in now and we'll go easy on you (perhaps just a semi-public flogging).
8. Stealing a newspaper rack, if the intent is to pocket the change within, is a lot of work for little return. First, it is heavy. I can attest to that. I can't turn my head to the left without a searing pain rocketing down my spine, but I can attest to the fact that newspaper racks are heavy. So, this criminal endeavor requires lifting and transporting and depositing behind a grocery store and smashing with a heavy implement of destruction, all for just a handful of quarters.
Almost any legitimate job, aside from actually working at a newspaper, offers more return for less work than stealing a newspaper rack.
7. Other criminals will mock you.
"What are you in for?"
"I shot a man just for snoring too loud. What about you?"
"I stole a newspaper rack."
"Why, was editor the only other thing you were qualified for?"
6. It's a sin. Remember "Thou shalt not steal?" I thought so. Some biblical scholars say it originally read "Thou shalt not steal newspaper racks" but was edited for space.
5. It deprives others in the community of important news.
"I went down to the store to get a paper because Maw-Maw called and said Uncle Willard's giant turnip was on the front page, but the rack was gone. I'm so mad, I would cancel my subscription if I had one, but if I had one I wouldn't need to go down to the store to buy a paper to see Uncle Willard's giant turnip. Life is full of such ironies."
4. It confuses grocery store employees.
"Mr. Simmons, this newspaper rack they delivered is dented. Should I mark it down for quick sale?
3. The police have better things to do than canvass the neighborhood searching for a stolen newspaper rack.
"Let's put the homicide and the missing kid on the backburner for now. I want that rack found before this city explodes."
2. Public floggings aren't fun. For the flogee, that is. Everybody else has a pretty good time.
1. The editor will have to retrieve the stolen newspaper rack and will inevitably injure his back doing so. Wait, did I mention that already? The muscle relaxer kicked in around No. 4 so I'm not quite sure.
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