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Building a stronger family through shared time
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Published: October 15, 2009
Do the math. How much actual time do you spend as a couple, as a family? How much one on one time do you spend with each child?
We all get the same amount of time — seven days a week and 24hours a day. How we spend our time is an indication of what is most important to us in life. We all give lip service to how important our marriage is, how much we love our children and how family is our highest priority. But, if you would engage a time management consultant to come into your life and follow you around for a week or two, what would the time consultant conclude as to what is really important in your life?
You don't really need a time management expert. Just take your calendar for the last three weeks and add up how much actual time you spent on couple time (only husband and wife) and family time (parent and children). How many meals did you eat around the family table?
Time together is a major characteristic of a strong family. Shared time is the only way bonded and committed relationships can grow. Time with a spouse or a child is an expression of care and love. As a family therapist, I have heard many disappointed expressions from adults who say, "My father never came to any of my ball games" or "My mom was always too busy to attend my soccer games." Time together is the currency people unconsciously use to gauge the amount of care in a relationship.
Many men who spend an inordinate amount of their time at work generating money for the needs of the family believe they are doing this as a way to show love and care. While this is true, many wives and children feel unloved and not valued when quality time is lacking. The key is balance. It is not either/or, but both/and. All husbands and wives need to put in time at their job, either inside the home or outside, but to invest to all your time and energy is sending a double bind message to loved ones.
It goes like this: "I love you and I am working all of these hours on my job for you, however I don't really have any time for you." The words say "I love you" but the behavior says, "You are unimportant in my life."
I worked for a CEO one time who had a life-threatening scare with malignant cancer. While in the hospital with a 50/50 chance for survival, he realized how valuable family relationships were to him. He said, "While I was struggling with cancer, the only thing that was important to me was seeing my wife and children coming daily to see me." When a person is near death, they never wish they had a little more time left to spend at the office or workplace. They wish they had more time to spend with their family.
Time together as a couple and a family is like investing in a savings account where the currency is love instead of money. It is impossible to love someone and not spend time with them. If you don't invest any love in the family bank, don't be surprised if you don't get any love back from your family members. To reap the dividends and generate interest from a bank account, you have to be willing to invest in it.
Strong families build great memories in the minds and hearts of all members as they spend time together. The special times could be vacation trips, pitching ball in the back yard, holiday traditions, bike trips, special places to go out and eat, sports activities, graduations, anniversaries, back yard cook outs, etc. When your children go off to college or enroll in the armed services, what kinds of memories will they take with them?
Dr. Bill Mitcham is the Director of the Marriage Maintenance Center in Davidson. He can be reached at 704-408-4178 or e-mail bmitcham@bellsouth.net.
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