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Are you low or high maintenance?
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Published: October 8, 2009
Spouses come in two models. One is low maintenance and the other is high maintenance. Which one are you and how do you think your marriage partner experiences you?
Low Maintenance (LM) spouses seem to have an inner secure sense of self. They have very few demands and are content and relatively happy with minimum attention. They like to cuddle and hug, but a little is enough. They enjoy talking and sharing their life but they don't like to over-talk. They enjoy success at work or at home, in their church or synagogue, and in their community, but they don't live for continued praise.
LM's seldom feel lonely and, when they do, they reach out for emotional connection with their spouse or friends. LMs don't need to be the center of attention in a group or at a party. They like to participate but are content to let others shine. They can be leaders or followers depending on the situation and need. If they are nominated for an office, position or promotion and do not get it, they don't crash and burn, personalizing the loss as failure. They merely congratulate the winner and offer their support.
High Maintenance (HM) spouses are similar to black holes. They never get enough attention. The more they get the more they want. They feel lonely most of the time, constantly worrying if they are loved.
Their sense of self is shaky and waxes and wanes with whatever external validation they get or fail to get. HM's depend on the spouse (or children and friends) to constantly pump them up and esteem them. They are overly sensitive to criticism and react with extreme anger. Criticism appears to erode the little sense of self they have.
Many HM's are driven toward accomplishments, either positions of power or performance where they can get constant accolades and praise. Their drivenness comes from never being satisfied. As soon as one goal is accomplished, they immediately raise the bar and go for an even nobler goal. Spouses of HM's may feel disconnected because HM's are so busy with seeking honor and praise they are seldom around. When they are around, they demand reassurance and intense attention.
Parenting styles of LM's and HM's are quite diverse also. Low Maintenance Partners don't try to be best friends with their children. They create an adult/child boundary so the child knows the parent can have fun and be playful but is always the parent. When situations cross over the appropriate boundary, and LM parent will become a disciplinarian as needed. LM's can do this because they don't get their self-esteem from the approval of their children. Children gain confidence with LM parents because they see the inner strength modeled and acted upon. An "I hate you" from a child doesn't send the LM into a tailspin. An LM might respond with, "I am sorry you hate me because I love you. You have a right to your intense feeling but I would like for you not to talk to me with disrespect."
High Maintenance parents depend on their children for validation as they do their spouses. They wear their feelings on their sleeves and fluctuate from intense anger to unbridled permissiveness. They are actually afraid to set boundaries for their children because they fear their children will not like them or reject them. On the other hand HM's can fly of the handle, using abusive language when they do not get the response they want from a child. An "I hate you" comment from a child will crush them since their esteem comes from others, rather than self-validation.
HMs need to find a way to work on internal validation to free themselves from the burden of fully depending on external approval.
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