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What do your children see when they look in your eyes?
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Published: May 21, 2009
After years of hearing tragic stories of adult patients struggling mightily to recover from childhood wounds, she made some conclusions about what a child needs to grow up as a healthy adult. Miller says there is a stage in early development in which children needs to feel unconditionally loved, almost worshiped, by their caregivers. Caregivers are usually parents of a child, but they can be grandparents and older siblings. Miller calls this a narcissistic need in a child — the need to feel special and adored.
Children who have healthy parents who express this love and care for their children and demonstrate it in words and behavior get this affirmation they need. She goes one step further and says this unconditional love needs to be seen by the child in the eyes of the caregiver. She says, "The eyes say it all."
In essence, she believes a child looks into the eyes of caregivers as if they were a mirror. When a child sees in these eyes acceptance and value, the child believes she or he is a worthwhile human being. This childhood realization, "I am valuable," leads to esteem for oneself. When this happens it frees the child to face life with an attitude of courage and self-confidence. This helps them to be successful and handle life's failures and hardships, without feeling they are failures or losers.
Children whose temporary narcissistic need is never fulfilled — because the caregivers have no self-esteem, feel like failures themselves, suffer from undiagnosed disorders, abuse alcohol or drugs, or are mean spirited — grow up with a black hole. This black hole appears to grow bigger and bigger as the child grows older. Many of these children become unproductive and unsuccessful as students and adults. However, many more become highly successful and accomplished. Her book talks about "the gifted child." This can be some of society's superstars, in sports, the stage, screen, business, politics and wealth. It is as if the accomplishments of the "gifted child" are their way of showing the world that they are valuable. The only problem is, they are never content or at peace within themselves. Each success propels them toward the next success, because their esteem comes from outside accomplishments rather than an internal acceptance.
The realization, "I am unworthy," was made as a small child looking into a shattered mirror. The reflection the child saw was not his real value. It was a reflection of a caregiver whose eyes were blurred. The parents could even have loved the child very much but it wouldn't show in their eyes. A child doesn't have the mental faculty to say, "Mom has a drinking problem" or "Dad is worried because he can't find a job." A child internalizes the parent's look and concludes, "Dad is upset with me" or "Mom is so sad, I must be a disappointment to her."
As parents, it is our responsibility to meet this internal need of children to feel valued. Our eyes need to reflect how proud we are of our children, how they are created in the image of God. Even when we correct them or discipline them, they still need to see care and love in our eyes, disgust and disdain.
Parents who have been wounded themselves by an early childhood decision, while looking into the distorted eyes of caregivers, need to revisit that decision as an adult so they can be free to parent their own children with unconditional regard. This re-decision based on new facts and new evidence, not available as a child, will impact positively on your children and your children's children for generations to come.
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