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Parents shape a child's identity
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Published: May 14, 2009
When I was a young parent, I heard a professional educator say, "Children are shaped most, not by their elementary education, their secondary education, their college education, or ever their post-graduate education, they are shaped most by the conversations they hear in their homes." From that day on, I became more sensitive and guarded in the way I talked to my children.
As a professional family therapist, I see the results of failed parenting. Adults with poor self-esteem, the inability to hold down a job, ineffective decision-making, dysfunctional intimate relationships, dependency on alcohol and drugs, no sexual boundaries and no solid values, can be traced to improper parenting.
Now, to be sure, not all unsuccessful adults come from dysfunctional families and misguided parenting. There are mood disorders, mental illnesses, addictions and personality disorders. Also, a person with a healthy family and good parents can choose to be irresponsible or even get into criminal behaviors. But in a majority of cases, the impact of parents on their children can be positive or negative. Children whose basic needs for acceptance, safety, encouragement, love and guidance are neglected will be shaped by this deficiency. Like a growing plant that gets no sunshine, water or nutrients, a child whose basic needs go unmet will not develop into a healthy and productive adult. Add to this deficiency, physical, psychological or sexual abuse from parents (or other family members) and you have a poorly formed adult human being. Actually, I am amazed at how well some people fare, given their history of violence or neglect in their homes.
Harris and Bean, in their book "The Key to Your Child's Well Being," cite four conditions necessary to raise children to healthy adulthood.
The first condition is a sense of positive connectedness with parents and siblings. Our belonging needs are primary to healthy growth. Feeling positively bonded or attached to parents gives children security and confidence.
The second factor is a sense of uniqueness. God has created everyone differently and has given each person qualities and unique gifts. Recognizing our uniqueness and affirming these gifts creates a deep self-respect. This is reinforced by parents when they allow this uniqueness to flourish.
The third condition is a sense of power. A child needs to experience his ability to influence and handle challenges that come along. Power comes from discovering one's capacities and using these capacities successfully. Each success gives a child the feeling of courage.
The last condition is a sense of positive role modeling. Parents who have spiritual depth, ideals, standards, values and coping skills give growing children a sense of order in their life and a blueprint for what a healthy adult looks like.
Do an assessment of your family as the crucible shaping your children for life in a complex and ever-changing world. Use these four benchmarks and rate them 1-10. A 10 is perfect (and remember, there are no perfect families) and 1 is as bad as it gets. If you are below 5 on any of the conditions, sit down as a couple and set goals for improving that area of family life.
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