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Try natural, logical consequences
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Published: March 26, 2009
In one of the Harry Potter books, Harry is talking to Professor Albus Dumbledore, who gives him some advice about life. He says to Harry, "It is our choices, Harry, that shows what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
As adults, we all know that life is full of daily choices and every choice we make has a consequence. A major goal in parenting children is to help them with good decision-making skills.
Traditionally, parents use punishment to try to teach children right from wrong or attempt to teach them values. If a child steals a CD from a local music store, a parent would typically get angry and punish the child by taking away some privileges. Or, if a child didn't get ready for school on time and missed the bus, a parent would take away their cell phone and forbid them from using the home phone to call their friends for a week. In both cases, punishment was intended to be the teacher. But the big questions remain, "What did the child learn?" and "What opportunity to teach the child about choices were missed?"
Several parenting models, including Active Parenting, challenge parents to consider another approach to correcting children. Instead of using punishment, these models say a child will learn more about choices if parents use natural and logical consequences. Natural consequences allow a child to experience the results of their behaviors. For instance, if a child leaves his/her bike in the driveway and the bicycle is damaged by a car, the child would either find a way to pay for fixing it or do without a bike. The child's choice not to put the bike where it belongs shows the child the results of a bad decision.
A second method is called logical consequences. All behaviors do not have natural consequences and sometimes, for a child's safety, you cannot allow the child to experience natural consequences. If a child runs out into the street without looking both ways, the natural consequences would put a child in harm's way. Logical consequences are set up by the parents so the child will know what will happen if the child does not follow parental expectations or parental rules. Examples of this method would be when a child is supposed to be home for dinner at 6 p.m. and shows up a half an hour or more late.
The logical consequences would be that the child eats cold leftovers and has to clean up his/her own dishes.
Parents can also set up "either-or-choices" for their children. A child is talking loudly and playing with a noisy toy while the parent is trying to watch the evening news. The parent could say to the child, "Susie, either you may play quietly here in this room or you may go to your room to play." If the child continues to exhibit loud behaviors, the parent would take the child to her room and explain to the child that she chose to play in her room, instead of playing quietly in the room with her mother.
"When-then-choices" are another way to instruct children on logical consequences. A child's responsibility is to make her bed each morning. When the parent passes by the room, she sees the unmade bed. She goes downstairs and finds her child glued to the TV. To win cooperation from her child and to teach her about choices and consequences, a parent might turn off the TV and say to the child, "Susie, I need for you to follow through on your responsibility of making your own bed in the mornings. When you have made your bed, you may then watch TV." (The consequences of not making the bed is losing the privilege of watching TV.)
Using logical and natural consequences in correcting and training children teaches them about choices and assuming responsibility for their own behavior.
Dr. Bill Mitcham is the Director/Therapist at The Marriage Maintenance Center at 442 South Main, Suite 20, Davidson, NC, 28036. He is a State Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and can be reached at 704-408-4187or email at bmitcham@bellsouth.net.
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