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Consistency impossible for parents
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Published: March 5, 2009
Pick up any parenting manual and you will see, in various words, one of the cardinal principles of parenting. It may read like this: "Above all, be consistent in disciplining your children." This sounds like a great principle, but the only problem is — it is impossible. This is why I call it a myth. Even God is not always consistent.
There are at least three factors that make it impossible for parents to be consistent. First is the child himself. Children's moods and demeanors change constantly, like a traffic light. When they come home from school, you don't know if their light is red, green or yellow.
When they are in a jovial and loving mood and throw their book bags, and coats on the kitchen table just before you are getting ready to set the table for dinner, you might silently remove the gear and not make a fuss. However, if they come home in a funky mood, with puffed-out lips and have an attitude and don't even bother to speak to you, the dinner table covered with school paraphernalia may be the last stressor that breaks the camel's back. So they may hear words like: "How can I set the table with all your junk all over the table? I've told you a million times to put your school books in your room!" So, the mood of the child can set the tone for your response.
The second factor that makes consistency an unreachable goal is your own mood as a parent. Like children, our moods fluctuate like the ocean tides. If you just got word that your company is downsizing and you know that you were one of the last to be hired, and you come home and see the kitchen table running over with kid stuff, you may fly off the handle. But, if you found out you had been promoted to vice president and you got a nice pay raise, you might not even see the crowded table and take everyone out to eat to celebrate. The mood of the parent is a huge factor in inconsistency.
The third component affecting your inability to always be consistent with your children is the environment where the behavior happens. At home, if one of your children allows a burp to fully explode at the dinner table, you and your whole family may laugh. But suppose you are at a fine restaurant after worship on a Sunday and the restaurant is packed with people. The funny burp now becomes a family embarrassment as the burp echoes to the farthest table. Dad may jerk the child out of her/his seat and take the child to the parking lot for a lesson in manners. Meanwhile, the small child is really confused since the same behavior got the laugh of a stand-up comic the time before.
A better goal for a parent is to be fully human and realize that you will at times be inconsistent and will confuse and hurt a child's feelings. A wise parent will be big enough to own their inconsistency and apologize to a child when inconsistency occurs. After all, we are not trying to raise perfect children; we are trying to raise responsible children. By owning our mistakes and seeking forgiveness we are modeling responsible behavior. Remember, children model what they see.
Dr. Bill Mitcham is the Director/Therapist at The Marriage Maintenance Center in Davidson. He can be reached at 704-408-4187or e-mail at bmitcham@bellsouth.net.
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