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When kids ask, should parents fess up to past crimes?
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Published: June 4, 2009
My oldest is beginning to think more critically about what she reads and hears, and frequently questions me about it. This makes me very happy, as I've always appreciated a curious mind. Often her questions involve inquiries into things I did or thought when I was younger. But curiosity, like a child, doesn't always know when to back off.
How much, if anything, do you tell your kids about the distasteful parts of your youth? Those parts that you thought were secreted away in a small box in a hidden alcove of your past? When our children are or may be facing the same temptations, how forthcoming should we be about our own mistakes?
I suspect most people are like I am — moral, law-abiding adults who have done some things in their youth which could have easily resulted in ruined reputations, death or prison. Whether we used recreational pharmaceuticals, found ourselves in handcuffs or engaged in some other entertaining but seedy and disreputable activity, we will have a choice to make. Our children will eventually want to know what's in that little alcove.
So. Admit or deny? Do we fess up, emphasize the foolishness of our choice, and try to generate some "street cred" with our children so our warnings will carry more weight? Or do we claim innocence and, at the risk of appearing as if we don't know what we're talking about, use vague stories of "someone we used to know" to discourage our children from making the same mistakes? If we choose denial, are we taking on the added risk of losing all the credibility and trust we spent years developing, if and when our children find out the truth? Children do tend to have pretty good internal lie detectors. What about those situations where we thought WE were wise enough to engage in a certain activity, but our children have run upon it at an earlier age? And Heaven help us if we are still doing the thing we're telling them to avoid (smokers).
There is much to consider before unboxing the distasteful elements of your past to your children. But for me, when the time comes, I'm going with brutal honesty, because therein lies my teaching point. I know the benefit wasn't, and still isn't, worth the risk.
The questions get tougher, but fortunately nothing I'll be confessing is particularly sordid. It's still a gamble, though. Will they hear and heed the correcting, cautionary voice of painful experience, or will they hear only "Daddy did it and he turned out OK"? For a few children, forthrightness could be counterproductive. But I believe that the embarrassment of revealing my youthful indiscretions to my children will prevent them from gambling with their lives and their reputations.
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