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Learning to speak your kids' language

By Amy Fuhrman | Lake Norman Navigator

Published: July 17, 2009

Thanks to a good friend who lent me her copy of a book that she'd really enjoyed — "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman — I've been paying more attention to what the little things I do or don't do are saying to my boys.
The book is actually intended for couples. The basic premise is that everyone speaks one of five love languages (Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch or Words of Affirmation). This is how they best receive love, and the challenge is for their partner to learn to speak their love language.
Interesting stuff. But at the back of the book was one, short chapter about applying the concept to your children. It was something I'd never thought about before.
So I've watched, and, sure enough, I've been failing to speak their languages a good bit of the time.
My older son, Josh, is all about quality time. So when he asks me to do something fun and I say no because I'm too busy, it's a rejection of the love he's trying to show and hopes to receive.
Ben, on the other hand, really responds to physical touch. Tell him you love him, and you get a smile. Rub his back while saying the same words, and you get snuggles and a huge grin.
As a parent, it can sometimes be easy to take loving your kids for granted. After all, if love isn't what gets you up every day to fix their meals, clean their clothes and change their diapers, then what is?
But for a lot of kids, a PB&J with the crusts cut off isn't received as an expression of love, even if that's how it's meant. To them, it's just lunch.
If you sit with them while they eat and play "I Spy," or use the time to mention a few times you've appreciated their help recently or serve up their sandwich with a hug and kiss, the results might be surprising.
My "Aha" moment with Josh came when, instead of everyone doing their own thing after dinner, I suggested we play a quick round of charades.
I asked Josh to be on my team, and he seemed to be having fun. Midway through the game, out of the blue, he gave me a huge hug and said "I love you so much, mom."
In that moment, I felt like we were definitely speaking the same language.