Email
Print
Breaking destructive patterns key to couple conflict resolution
ADVERTISEMENT
Published: January 29, 2009
Sometime when couples come for therapy, each one of them is totally convinced the other spouse is dead wrong. In the first session, it is not unusual for each spouse to state their case to the therapist, hoping to convince the therapist to see their side of the story as "the truth."
Normally, during the first session with a couple, I see each marriage partner individually for around 10-15 minutes and then see them together for the remainder of the hour. Inevitably the stories of "the truth" are different. The husband sees things from his perspective and the wife sees the situation from her perspective. It is like watching two people dance … if the male steps forward, the female steps backward; if the female steps forward, the male steps backward. An observer watching the dance would not be able to say which one does what. The dance is one motion. If he hadn't stepped forward, she wouldn't have stepped backward.
Marriage problems, like dancing, are interconnected. It is a waste of time to debate who stepped forward and who stepped backward. Blame is the way many couples deal with issues, naming each other as "the problem." A conversation may go like this, "If he hadn't called me a name, I wouldn't have called him 'the world's biggest loser.' "
Patterns of conflict in marriage have an uncanny ability to take a life to their own. They sometime take over and each partner feels like the situation gets out of their control. Conflict patterns always start the same, escalate the same and end the same. Some couples describe it as, "hearing the train coming, but unable to derail it or jump out of the way. It generally runs over the both of us."
One common marital pattern between marriage partners is the parent-child syndrome. This marital dance is when one spouse over-functions and the other one under- functions.
Irresponsible child-like behaviors bring out the corrective parent-like behaviors of the other spouse. The "child-like" spouse gets resentful and feels she or he is being controlled by the "parent-like" spouse. The "parent-like" spouse get frustrated and irritated when his or her spouse plays helpless, like a little child who can't do anything right and wants someone to take care of them.
This pattern can be destructive to a relationship because neither partner wants the role that has been created. The marital dance isn't working. The "parent-like" spouse wanted to marry an adult who carry their own weight and work as a team, while the "child-like" spouse doesn't want to be treated like a child who has no power and no voice in the decisions.
It is a waste of time to argue, if he wasn't so over controlling, she would act less like a child or if she wasn't so childlike, he wouldn't have to take over and make all the major decisions. To correct the bad marital dance, both spouses need to begin interacting as two mature adults and break the parent/child pattern. Both have to change and stop the blame game.
Couples can learn to stop the marital spinout and use their energy toward positive behaviors and goals. Dancing, like marriage, can be fun and rewarding. Breaking destructive patterns is one way to improve the marital dance and put more fun back into a marriage.
Dr. Bill Mitcham is the Director/Therapist at The Marriage Maintenance Center in Davidson. He can be reached at 704-408-4187or e-mail at bmitcham@bellsouth.net.
Email
Print
ADVERTISEMENT
Advertisement
