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How to help lift spirits of a discouraged child
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Published: February 26, 2009
If a child is too discouraged, the child will finally adopt an attitude of "I can't do anything right."
"Display of inadequacy" is the language used by parenting books to describe the child or teenager who gives up, throws in the towel and pitches a pity party. Well-meaning parents can fall into the trap of further discouraging a child by their response.
When a child exhibits depression-like behaviors of helplessness, a parent is likely to get feeling of despair and feel like they are failing as a parent. The very worst of responses is for a parent to agree with a child's opinion that the situation is hopeless. This reinforces the child's inadequacy and pushes her/him deeper into the quicksand of self-pity. The next-worst response is for the parent to respond with anger, such as, "Well, if you would get your butt off the couch and try harder you might succeed."
A parent might even stoop to using derogatory remarks like, "You are worthless. If you keep acting like this, you'll never amount to anything."
Discouraged children are at risk of trying to escape into drugs and alcohol. Chemicals can give a teen a false sense of confidence when under the influence. The problem with the use of alcohol and drugs to cope with feelings of hopelessness is the reality that chemicals do not develop life skills. They merely cover up the feelings of inadequacy and lead to dependency and addiction, adding another layer of inadequacy.
How can parents respond to a child in the grip of inadequacy? First, a parent needs to choose another emotion when faced with a child who quits easily, doesn't try to succeed and is pre-occupied with the "woe is me" syndrome. Remember, our behavior follows our feelings. The normal feeling a parent would have is despair. When a child is feeling inadequate, it doesn't help to have a despairing parent.
Change your feeling by changing your thoughts. Instead of choosing despair, say to yourself, "My child is feeling self-pity. This means that she/he is discouraged. What can I do to encourage my child?"
These thoughts will bring a different set of feelings. Believing that your child is going through a temporary "funk" and with the right words of encouragement can soon snap out of it.
Listening intently to your child can be one of the most powerful positive responses you can do. Listening to a child tells the child, "I care about you and your feelings." Listening conveys respect.
When a child feels respected by a parent, a child can grow in self-esteem. Stifle all attempts to criticize a child and replace these negative responses and focus instead on your child's strengths and talents.
Another encouraging response to child who is avoiding an activity, in fear of more failure, is to help a child brainstorm on how he might succeed. For instance, if a child failed to make the soccer or football team, brainstorm with the child on how they might improve their skills, perhaps by attending a ball camp. If the child is not doing well in school, you might suggest a personal tutor to help her/him to learn study skills.
A third way to encourage a child is appropriate self-discloser. All of us have been through periods of helplessness and feelings of failure. You can normalize their feelings and share stories of when you too had low times and how you learned to cope. Share some stories of others who learned to cope with failures. For instance, share Michael Jordan's story. In junior high school, Michael was cut from the school basketball team. He decided he would work on his jump shot during the summer. We all know how that story ends.
Dr. Bill Mitcham is the Director/Therapist at The Marriage Maintenance Center in Davidson. He can be reached at 704-408-4187or e-mail at bmitcham@bellsouth.net.
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