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How to react to misbehaving kids
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Published: February 12, 2009
Rudolf Dreikurs, an internationally known psychiatrist, introduced a new way of thinking about behaviors of children that irritate, anger, hurt and generate feelings of helplessness in parents. The general response of parents to a child's misbehaviors is often to label them as "bad behaviors of a bad child." A parent might respond with, "You are a bad child when you don't do what I tell you to do" or "Don't be so mean to your sister, that is very ugly of you."
Driekurs suggests that parents should look for a deeper meaning behind the child's actions. He believes it helps parents to start with this premise: "Every misbehaving child is a discouraged child." If a parent starts from this place, it will create a different feeling. Instead of thinking, "My child is bad, I need to punish him/her," they can respond in a new way. They might think, "My child is discouraged, I need to find a way to encourage her/him." What we think usually dictates what we feel and how we respond to our children's behaviors.
According to Driekurs and Alfred Adler (another well known child psychiatrist), children have unconscious goals for each behavior. Their overall goal is to belong, to feel accepted in their world.
Children who are not discouraged get these needs for belonging met through positive behaviors. They may help with household chores, do their homework and cooperate with their siblings and friends. They feel good about themselves and their lives.
Discouraged children, on the other hand, are not getting their needs met. If a child's belonging needs are not being met, this child will seek undue attention. This is one of the major goals of child misbehavior. A child will act out, either by fighting with a sibling or refusing to follow the rules of the parent. If a parent forgets that a "misbehaving child is a discouraged child," the parent may become irritated, annoyed or frustrated and lash out at the child. When this happens, the child's ultimate unconscious goal is met. The child gets the parent's attention. It is negative attention, but nonetheless, it is attention. If the child were not a discouraged child, the child would have been getting all the attention he/she needed through positive behaviors.
Parents who understand the behavior as behavior of a discouraged child will have a choice about how they discipline a misbehaving child. The child may need to be corrected or even disciplined, but the parent's manner of carrying out the discipline will be tampered by a new understanding. The child can still be made to feel like she/he is loved and accepted, even if the behaviors are unacceptable. The attitude of the parent makes all the difference. A wise parent will withhold verbal attacks or harsh punishment and manage her/his feelings in a different manner. Understanding the child's goal of misbehavior will allow the parent to go beyond merely punishing a child to finding ways to help the child learn positive ways to seek recognition.
The next time you feel annoyed and bothered by your child's behavior, asks yourself, "How can I encourage this discouraged child by the way I respond so that I don't discourage the child even more?"
Next week we will take a look at "Power Plays Enacted by Discouraged Children."
Dr. Bill Mitcham is the Director/Therapist at The Marriage Maintenance Center in Davidson. He can be reached at 704-408-4187or e-mail at bmitcham@bellsouth.net.
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