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Tackling the awesome task of parenting
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Published: February 5, 2009
When our first child was born, I was about as proud as a strutting peacock, showing everyone who would look lots of pictures of the most beautiful little baby girl in the world. I even gave away dozens of bubble gum cigars. I was so excited that I parked my car and forgot that you have to put money in the meter. When I finally went to get my car, I had six parking tickets!
It was only when we brought home this little bundle of love that I began to get worried about being a parent. This little infant was totally dependent on my wife and me. It was up to us to help her grow up and provide for her the resources she needed to become a healthy, responsible and productive adult. Through the years, I have watched my own children and many other couples assume the awesome task of parenting.
This is the first of a series of articles on parenting since parenting impacts the quality and health of a good marriage. I believe the most important task of being a parent is to help our children grow up with positive self-esteem. If you could give each of your children this gift, you would be preparing them for a life of joy and adventure. Children who don't get this self-appreciation in early childhood are the children who go out into the world feeling wounded. Their life is likely to be one problem after another.
As parents, our biggest fears are that our children will be drawn into the drug and alcohol culture or promiscuous and casual sexual behaviors. It is rare for adolescents with high self-regard to engage in self-destructive behaviors. A strong esteemed child can't be coerced by peer pressure to give up their self-respect for a cheap high or a moment of sexual pleasure. This is why this goal of parenting is so important in child rearing.
How do parents help children to grow up with healthy self-esteem? In an important study conducted by Stanley Cooperfield, this question is addressed. "The Antecedents of Self Esteem" is the name of the book that was published after the research. Cooperfield included four major factors involved in providing an environment in which children are most likely to emerge with positive esteem. The first factor was the amount of self-esteem modeled by parents and grandparents. If the adults in a child's family have high self value, this will be a good indicator that a child will model this same self-regard.
So, the best thing a parent can do for their child is to improve and raise their own esteem. All of us have been damaged to some degree, but we don't have to nurse the wounds forever. We need to get over it or get help. The degree of self-esteem you have as a parent will be reflected in your children and grandchildren.
A second finding, according to Cooperfield, is the total or near total acceptance of the children by their parents. The researchers were not saying parents were to accept all behaviors of children, good and bad. They were saying children need to feel loved and accepted, even when they are being disciplined for unacceptable behavior.
The third antecedent for producing esteem in children was clearly defined and enforced limits by their parents. Expectations and rules for proper behavior teach a child she or he is valued and convey love to a child.
The final ingredient was respect and latitude for individual action on the part of children, within the limits set by parents. This means allowing children to be their own person, not expecting them to be a clone of their parents. "Wiggle room" is another descriptive way to say allowing children to have freedom within limits.
Learning these four secrets to raising esteemed children is a good place to start the awesome task of parenting.
Dr. Bill Mitcham is the Director/Therapist at The Marriage Maintenance Center in Davidson. He can be reached at 704-408-4187or e-mail at bmitcham@bellsouth.net
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