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Suffering in silence: Abuse victims often keep mum for years
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Published: August 14, 2009
It took more than 20 years for one woman to find her voice.
She spent more than 20 years filled with self-doubt and wondering if the man who she said sexually abused her was doing it to someone else.
Learning she could come forward and press charges helped the woman — whose name is being withheld by the R&L because of the allegations in her case — break through the wall of silence.
Delayed disclosure is something most victims of childhood sexual abuse experience, said Nicole Winterhalter, a psychologist at My Sister's House, the battered women's shelter in Iredell County.
Winterhalter said many times the victims feel shame, guilt and worry that they won't be believed. And that feeling only intensifies as years go by.
"They hear those voices in their heads that say it's my fault because I went in there with him or because I sat on his lap," she said.
Lt. Julie Gibson, who heads the Iredell County Sheriff's Office special victim's unit, said it is extremely rare for a child to reveal sexual abuse immediately after it happens.
"It's usually months later, and sometimes years later," she said.
Gibson recalled a sexual assault case that was being tried in Iredell County Superior Court a few years ago.
During jury selection, a prospective juror said, in open court, that she had been sexually assaulted as a child. "She said that was the first time she'd ever spoken about it," Gibson said.
And many don't come forward years later because they think it's too late to prosecute, Gibson said.
That's not true, at least in North Carolina. There is no statute of limitations on prosecuting certain sex crimes, and just last week the sheriff's office charged a man with sexual offenses that the victims, now adults, said happened in the 1980s.
For one woman, who said she was victimized by an acquaintance when she was a pre-teen, she lived with the feelings Winterhalter described.
She also resigned herself to believing it was all in the past and there was nothing she could do in the legal system.
An article in the R&L about a man charged with sex offenses that happened more than a decade earlier opened her eyes.
She connected with a childhood friend, who also revealed the same man molested her. Both women went to see Gibson. From there, the investigation proceeded.
An arrest followed, and now the case is winding its way through the court system.
Despite the anxiety of an upcoming trial and living with the uncertainty for the past five years, the woman said she's glad she stepped forward.
"I didn't come forward for my benefit," she said, explaining that she firmly believes there were more victims.
After the news of the arrest became public, she said, that belief was confirmed.
"Another person called in (to the sheriff's office) and said he did it to her too," she said. "I cried. One of my greatest fears came true."
Gibson said that's one of the many reasons that victims do tend to tell what happened many years later. They learn there's another child that may be being victimized or that other children were victimized by the same person, she said.
"If there's any chance of what was happening to us happening right now," the woman said. "What about the children of today?"
The victim in this case said she's using what happened to her as a child to help others — by talking with people in prison and by talking about her own experiences.
She also wants to educate parents and other caregivers about sexual abuse — and the people who commit these acts.
"It's not the weird-looking guy," she said.
Gibson said in most cases, the victim and accused know each other and are, in many instances, related in some way.
That often increases the guilt feelings that the victim experiences, Gibson said.
"They don't know how to tell on a parent. They still usually love the parent. Most of the time, this is someone they love and care about," she said.
Gibson and Winterhalter said coming forward may be difficult, but even if no prosecution takes place, the victims usually are glad that someone was willing to listen.
"It says 'No, it was not your fault. No matter what you did, it was not your fault,' " Winterhalter said. "It's important to self-esteem. It's a major relief for most women."
The woman who pressed charges many years later said she's committed to helping others, including the perpetrators, because the cycle of abuse will continue.
"A large percentage of pedophiles were molested themselves as children," she said. "What does that look like for future generations?"
She said that's the reason more victims need to step forward and talk about what happened to them.
"What if the survivors were willing to speak? What a difference that would make," she said.
Even while dealing with the idea of ultimately testifying in court about what happened to her so many years ago, the woman said she's glad she did speak about the abuse she experienced.
"Regardless of what happened, I got my voice," she said.
Pending cases:
- Howard Allen Wood, arrested in 2004 on four counts of first-degree sexual offense and three counts of statutory rape. The case is scheduled to go to trial in September.
- William Ronnie Barnett, arrested last week on charges of first-degree sex offense, second-degree rape and three counts of taking indecent liberties with a child. His next court date is Aug. 24.
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