Email
Print
Children need to learn to resolve conflicts
ADVERTISEMENT
Published: April 30, 2009
When our daughter was around 7 or 8, she got into a conflict with Kenny, the boy next door. He was the brother of our daughter's best friend.
My daughter had gotten an Easy Bake Oven for Christmas and she and her best friends were on the porch baking cookies. Kenny smelled the cookies and joined the two of them. Our daughter told Kenny, "It's my Easy Bake Oven, keep your hands off of it!" Kenny didn't take "no" for an answer. He proceeded to try his own hand at baking and eating some cookies.
Our daughter started crying and ran home to tell us the story. I was the only parent at home, so I go next door and talk to Kenny. Kenny's father overheard the conversation and jumped in to defend Kenny, saying, "All Kenny wanted to do was to join the girls in baking cookies." At this point, I started defending my daughter, saying, "Your son took the Easy Bake Oven away from the girls and starting baking without her permission."
While the two fathers were defending the children's behavior, the kids had made up and all three of them were sitting at a little table eating cookies and drinking hot chocolate.
This scene is a good example of an important question all parents need to ask before they jump into solving a child's problem. The question is, "Who owns the problem?" Obviously, the conflict over the use of an Easy Bake Oven was not my problem. It belonged to my daughter, not to me. I took responsibility for her problem. The conflict actually escalated when I tried to solve it. All of a sudden, I was in conflict with Kenny's father. Now, there are two problems instead of one. Also since I took the problem from my daughter, she never got the chance to take responsibility for her own life and try to figure out a way to resolve her problem.
Life is full of conflicts and each time a child faces a conflict and resolves it herself/himself, their conflict resolution muscles get stronger. When we try to resolve all their problems, our conflict resolving muscles grow, but their conflict resolving muscles do not get stronger.
The Parenting Effectiveness model of parenting children suggests that a wise parent will always ask the question, "Who owns the problem?" when a child comes to them upset over a problem or conflict.
If it is clearly the child's problem, the role of the parent is to become a listening consultant, not a problem solver. When a parent jumps in and takes over the problem, the hidden message to the child is "You are not smart enough, strong enough or resourceful enough to solve your own problems." If parents practice inappropriate problem solving for a child, the child's self-confidence will be undermined and self-esteem will be weakened.
There is one exception to this parenting procedure. If a child is in any danger or her safety is threatened, a parent must step in. For instance, if Kenny were hitting or harming my daughter, my intervention would have been appropriate.
Let's replay what I should have done as a parent when our daughter came to me with her Easy Bake Oven problem. As a listening consultant, I could have said, "Tell me again what happened?" Once I listened to the situation and explored her feelings with her, I could have said, "What choices do you have in this situation?" We could have brainstormed on what she could do, such as (1) Go get your Easy Bake Oven and bring it home (2) Tell Kenny's father that Kenny was using your oven without your permission (3) Stand up to Kenny and be more assertive (4) Ask her best friend to tell her brother to stop using her oven (5) Tell Kenny if he will ask politely, he can share in the baking of cookies.
There may have been other options also. At this point our daughter would pick one of the choices and go back and solve her own problem. This procedure gives a child practice in learning to solve her own problems.
Dr. Bill Mitcham is the Director/Therapist at The Marriage Maintenance Center in Davidson. He can be reached at 704-408-4187or e-mail at bmitcham@bellsouth.net.
Email
Print
ADVERTISEMENT
Advertisement
