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Techniques to help empower your children
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Published: April 16, 2009
In last week's article, we covered the concept of "empowerment parenting." This model of parenting involves active involvement and intentional engagement in the life of our children.
The way we interact with our children during their formative years depends on their age. Balswick and Piper in their book, "Relationship/ Empowerment Parenting," introduced four modalities in a process of empowering children.
The first modality is called "modeling." Modeling is a modality that spans all age levels of children. The authors claim children are always watching and mimicking their parents and doing what they see their parents do. Modeling is probably the most effective tool for influencing children. The only problem is, parents can influence their children in a positive way or a negative way. If you want your children not to smoke, you model not using tobacco. If you want your children to respect people of all colors and cultures, you do not tell jokes that denigrate persons of color or ethnic background. If you want your child to have a healthy spiritual life, you model your spiritual life by taking them rather than sending them to worship at a church or synagogue. Children adopt about 80-85 percent of their parents' values, so modeling is a major influence on empowering children.
The second tool of empowering children is "telling." Young children have so much to learn. They have had so little life experience. They don't know that a hot stove will burn them. They don't know to look both ways when crossing a street. They don't know not brushing your teeth will lead to tooth decay. There are a myriad of "dos" and "don'ts" they need to learn. It is the parents' job to tell them what they need to know. Telling is extremely necessary to prepare children for their own safety and well being.
"Teaching" is a third technique for empowering children. The big difference between "telling" and "teaching" is the maturity level of a child. Once a child becomes verbal, the communication between parents and children takes on a two-way process. As children get older, they can begin to tackle more complicated tasks, such as helping with domestic jobs, like starting and using a lawn mower or washing machine. As a parent is teaching these tasks to children, they will ask questions, so they can learn to be successful in doing a task well. Managing money is another complicated task involving spending and saving money for a something they want. Knowledge about how to be successful and completing tasks empowers children for future successful.
The last component of empowering children is "delegating." Delegating is parenting older children who will now have more knowledge and skills than little children. For example, when children are small, we drive for our children, but at a certain age, we teach them how to drive, and once they get a permit, we allow them to drive the car. This is the difference between telling, teaching and delegating. When children are older, they can assume responsibility for themselves, as they try out their "wings," using what we have taught them.
A child could watch us drive for months, but if we don't delegate the driving to the child, the child will never learn to drive. Delegating is the last step toward empowerment.
I can remember as a teenager, the power I felt the first time my parents allowed me to take the car to school by myself. It was like I had finally arrived at being an adult and I was so proud. Delegating is what a mother eagle does for her chicks as they get older. She pushing them out of the next and in essence says, "It is now time for you to fly." Next, she flies underneath them, in case; they need a little support along the way. Unless she delegates, they will never be able to fly on their own. So it is with children.
Dr. Bill Mitcham is the Director/Therapist at The Marriage Maintenance Center at 442 South Main, Suite 20, Davidson, NC, 28036. He is a State Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and can be reached at 704-408-4187or email at bmitcham@bellsouth.net.
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