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Stay-at-home dads deserve more respect
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Published: October 22, 2008
September marked my seventh year as a stay-at-home dad.
When the anniversary day arrived, there was no confetti. No fireworks or balloon animals. This was as it should have been. It wasn't even a particularly busy day, as my youngest child started school this year.
As the day passed, it occurred to me that, seven years into my tenure as a stay-at-home dad, my Dangerfield disrespect chip was still perched on my shoulder. Perhaps not as precariously, but it's still there. It should have long ago disappeared. Early on, I felt justified in having it perched there. I'd be asked what I did for a living. When I said proudly that I was a stay-at-home dad, the conversation died faster than a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat. There were times when I'd walk onto a playground and feel the perceptibly mistrustful gaze of the mothers there settle upon me, especially if my kids were not nearby. Reactions that extreme were infrequent, but no less exasperating when they did occur.
What is most vexing for me and other stay-at-home dads is the assumption by many television shows and "family and childcare" magazines that American families either have no father present or, if he is present, he is completely uninvolved in child rearing or a blithering idiot. Headlines one article in a national family magazine: "Your Mom mission? Nutritious lunches every single day!" So my Dad mission is to send my girls to school with a Heineken and Cheetos?
There are notable exceptions. Some magazines do a laudable job being as gender neutral as they can be. But much of our popular culture still assumes fathers are as relatively uninvolved in child care as they were 25 years ago. It isn't just the fault of media. The too-slow growth of truly family friendly corporate policies has made good work-family balances difficult to attain for parents of either sex.
Despite the recognition by some elements of our culture, despite the lip service paid to good fathers and despite the growth in the numbers of stay-at-home dads, society still believes we cannot be good primary caregivers. As long as that prejudice stays, it will be more difficult for new fathers to even want to try staying home with their kids. If the expectation is that dads are capable equals, more of them would become so.
We bear some blame. There is no arguing with the statistics that show most mothers are more involved with the children than fathers. Many dads have difficulty adjusting to the fact that staying at home with the kids also means staying at home with the laundry, vacuum cleaner and dirty dishes (and doing something about them!).
None of us want special treatment as stay-at-home dads. That would imply we're something special. Unusual, perhaps. But not special. What our culture needs is to recognize that, regardless of which role a man or woman chooses, each role is vital to the well-being and successful rearing of a child. Assume the best, and treat fathers and mothers with the same respect.
Joe Melton is a stay-at-home father living in the LKN area. E-mail him at jmelt@live.com.
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