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A sexual 'checkmate'
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Published: June 26, 2008
"Checkmate" is the word used in the game of chess when the game is over. It is a dead end — no place to go. There are no other moves.
Because of the differences in female and male sexuality, many couples sooner or later reach this stalemate in their sex life. After years of marital and sex therapy with couples, I hear the same story over and over again. I usually see the wife and husband separately on the first visit. If the presenting problem is over sexual issues, here is how it goes with the husband: "She never seems to want to have sex with me anymore and when she does, it appears to me that she is just going through the motions without really enjoying it."
When I meet with the wife, she usually says, "He never touches me unless he wants sex. He never kisses, hugs or talks intimately with me anymore. We used be affectionate before we married and the first months but not any more. When we make love I don't feel loved. Sometimes I feel used."
Understanding some basic differences in female and male sexual response can prevent or break the marital checkmate. First, it is important to know that a man is biologically wired like a microwave. Most men, if they don't have a sexual disorder, can respond instantly to any hint of possible sexual intimacy from their wife. Visual stimuli is the main way a man's microwave lights up, however, sometimes the microwave comes on automatically with little stimulation.
Sometimes it only takes a thought.
Women, in general, (there are always exceptions) are biologically wired like the old-fashioned oven with a pre-heat button. Most women do not turn on instantly like men. While men respond to external stimuli, women respond to internal stimuli. Women need time to feel sexual. This is confusing to men because they think their wife's sexual response is like their own. Sometimes men feel hurt or unloved when there isn't an immediate desire from their spouse.
The second basic difference between male and female sexual response is how they feel loved. A man feels loved and prized when his wife responds sexually to him. This is crazy to women. However, nothing makes a man feel more loved than to know his wife is enjoying their sexual intimacy.
Females, on the other hand, are not inclined to make love until they feel loved. Most females crave affection, tenderness, attentiveness and loving touch. Wives sometime get bad press, as if women in general don't enjoy sex. The truth be told, women can enjoy sex as much or even more than men. The problem is not that women don't enjoy sex; the problem is that men don't know how to be more loving. If a wife does not feel loved, she does not feel sexual. Men need to take a crash course on non-sexual affection. ("Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: In the Bedroom," by John Gray is a good suggestion.)
A third major gender difference in sexual make-up is also a biological difference. Men experience a continual build-up of semen. As semen increase, men are more easily sexually aroused. This explains why the microwave comes on automatically with very little stimuli. Wives are sometimes irritated by their husband's ability to engage in sex at the drop of a hat. They interpret this as animalistic behavior and get turned off. Men can lose their sensitivity to their wife's need for love and affection, because of this semen build-up.
Women don't have this biological build-up. The closest a woman gets to this is in her child-bearing years when an egg is ovulating at a certain stage when she could most likely get pregnant. Women tend to rely more on emotional stimuli than biological stimuli to arouse them toward sexual intimacy.
It is important that husbands understand wives and wives to understand husbands in order to deal with this potential marital checkmate.
Husbands need to understand the need of their wife to feel loved and cared and not feel they are being used for the husband's sexual satisfaction.
Wives need to understand biological differences between themselves and their husband. The husband's exaggerated interest in sex doesn't necessarily mean that he does not love them, it means he wants sex to be a part of the loving. Wives need not become more sexual to please their husband; they need to work on enjoying their own sexuality as much as he does.
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