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The critical needs that make a marriage work
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Published: July 10, 2008
Through the years as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have discovered 12 critical needs that have to be met for a marriage relationship to work.
I will cover six of these needs in Part 1 of this article and the other six will be discussed in next week's article. Couples can explore these 12 needs and rate them in two categories, as a "Strength" to be celebrated or a"Needs Improvement" to be addressed.
First, couples need to discuss any concern or subject without fear of destroying their relationship. The biggest mistake couples make with one another is to ignore marital pinches. A "marital pinch" is when one spouse feels belittled, denigrated or used by his or her partner. Feelings of resentment are created in the spouse who is disrespected and, if the disrespected spouse fails to share these hurt feelings, it is likely the behavior will repeat itself. Resentment can grow like undiscovered cancer and eventually destroy the original love which brought the couple together. Taking a risk to talk about your hurt feelings establishes the ground rule in marriage that we cherish an open and honest dialogue where both joy and pain can be addressed.
The second need is related to the first. Couples need to share their deepest fears and innermost thoughts. If you drew a triangle and then drew a line at the top end about one quarter of the way down, you could label the top fourth as the "content" of the conversation and the bottom three fourths as our "feelings." People live in their feeling, whether they are aware of it or not. For instance, if a couple were discussing their sex life, the words are the content, but underneath the words is an ocean of feelings. Unless a couple can include both in their discussion, they are not likely to resolve the problems.
Third, couples need to acquire and practice listening skills, which allow each one to feel heard and understood by the other. Nothing can be more honoring than for a marriage partner to really listen to their when she or he needs to be heard.
Likewise, nothing can be more demeaning and rejecting than to trust your feelings with your spouse and see in the spouse's eyes that he/she is not listening or not really interested. After a few experiences of being discounted, the spouse will soon pull away and distance themselves from the relationship. Listening to each other is one of the major ways to make a spouse feel special and loved.
A fourth marital need is for couples to give priority time to their sexual intimacy and to discuss their likes and dislikes. Before they marry and the first few years of marriage, couples devote large amounts of time to hugging, kissing, talking and focusing on each other. After they are married for a while, their sexual life gets put on the back burner and gets "left over time," usually late at night when both are fatigued after a long day of work. Smart couples don't settle for leftovers; they find ways to prioritize their intimacy by continuing to date and taking weekend getaways.
The fifth need is to genuinely care about each other by regularly affirming each other with words and behaviors. Words of appreciation and encouragement to a spouse have the same effect that water has on a potted plant. A plant that never gets watered soon begins to wither. A spouse who never hears affirmation or experiences deeds of kindness from their spouse can become very lonely or depressed. They can also become very agitated and irritable. There is a country song called "Why Are You Angry All the Time?" It might be because she never experiences any affection from the one who promised "to love and cherish her."
A sixth marital need is the need for a healthy balance of closeness and separateness in marriage. Too much closeness can lead to a loss of a sense of self.
Too little closeness can lead to a loss of the bond that led to the marriage. Couples can get hung up on either end of the continuum. Both spouses need to have a life outside the marriage. The marriage can't be their whole life. This puts too much strain on the marriage. Marriage is a place where two people can come together to support each and share the interesting things going on in each other's life. If a spouse doesn't have a life other than the marriage, they never have much to share. They get bored with life and soon with the marriage.
Marriage is like breathing. You breathe in and you breathe out. Both are needed in a marriage. Closeness is breathing in, while separateness is breathing out. Both are needed to keep a marriage alive.
Dr. Bill Mitcham is the Director/Therapist at The Marriage Maintenance Center in Davidson. He can be reached at 704-408-4187or e-mail at bmitcham@bellsouth.net.
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