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Birth order can play a role in married life
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Published: August 7, 2008
One of the major influences on a successful marriage is one's birth order. Were you the first born, the last child or a middle child?
Experts in family constellation claim birth order may be the biggest factor in the way a couple organizes their marriage. It may be an unconscious process, shaped not by reason but by habit acquired in the family of origin. Walter Toman was the pioneer of the study on birth order.
One of the most obvious birth order patterns is firstborns, either older brothers or older sisters. Older siblings usually learn to take dominate leadership roles in a family. Because they are older, wiser and more experienced than the younger children, they naturally take the lead of teaching them how to do things. Parents also have a tendency to lean on firstborns to take up the parenting role in protecting and monitoring younger sibs. The role as kingpin and follow-me patterns get ingrained in the firstborns.
Younger sibs, on the other hand, get used to taking orders. Because older sibs are used to taking the initiative, younger ones learn to hang back and wait for someone else to make plans.
You can begin to guess what happens when two firstborns marry each other. The sparks are bound to fly sooner or later. Both will want to lead and neither will want to follow. Both will accuse each other of being too controlling. These are called non-complementary birth order roles and couples have to work harder at learning how to become a functioning team.
Complementary birth order roles stack up when a firstborn marries a person who had an older brother or sister. The first born once again will walk up to the plate first and the second born will usually wait until it is his/her turn. To the second born, it is no big deal. They already know how to follow the leader. Second borns have to watch out for resentment if their spouse is too bossy. He/She will have a flashback to the times the older sib overpowered them.
Middle born children become the world's best negotiators. They get stuck in the in the middle of taking orders and giving orders at the same time. Because they usually are not as old and experienced as their older sib, they don't fair as well bossing a younger brother or sister, so they find other ways to interact. They become the go-betweens and try to please the older sib and find a way to get along with the younger ones.
Couples with complementary birth order patterns have less fights and more togetherness.
Only children have their special issues because they never learn to share attention, time, toys, clothes and space. They also get the undivided attention of two parents, which can turn them into high-maintenance marriage partners. Only children haven't learned yet that shared time and attention is the norm. They will have a harder time with the reality that a marriage partner will never be able replace the attention of two parents.
Lastborns, the babies of the family, tend to grow up expecting someone else to take care of them. Every-body caters to the baby and clamors to keep them happy, or at least to stop them from crying. Why should they spend their time, money and energy when someone else will do it for them? Last-borns can also be high-maintenance marriage partners. If they marry a firstborn, they may get stuck being the baby. If two lastborns marry, this can be a disaster. Each one will expect the other to take care of them, pay the bills and clean the house.
If birth order is negatively impacting the quality of your marriage, it may be time to learn some new behaviors. Older sibs can learn to share power, younger sibs can learn to take initiative, middle sibs can learn to lead and only sibs can learn to be satisfied with less attention.
Dr. Bill Mitcham is the Director/Therapist at The Marriage Maintenance Center
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